A numbness, toughness and a robotic sense of oneself. A lack of feeling and empathy. The sense, that nothing matters and everything is possible because there is no humaneness in the way. Sometimes there is a coldness.

When felt and sensed, it turns into a yucky kind of feeling in the body. A frustration. Like a barbwire through the whole body. A barbwire that is sulked in a black tarry like substance. There is so much resentment against feeling this sensation. And this tarry like substance seems to be this resentment. A readiness to annihilate it if it has to be annihilated. A butterfly flies by and there is a wish that it won't come close because it will be annihilated.

There is also a crazy wanting to have more of it because it feels so good. A wanting to go crazy and act out of the resentment and hatred. It makes you feel so powerful, like nothing can touch you. Like you are the one who is on top of everything. Like you are god's craziness. Just feeling this craving takes me deeper into it.

The more honestly it is felt and named, the more it calms down. There is still a feeling of power, but also a feeling of peace. Things calm down. My being calms down. I am peace and I am power, but in contrast with the previous experience, I also have a heart. An open, feeling heart, that is also a guide for my actions.

There is a velvety in the experience. A calm vastness. It is like liquid, something to fall deeper into. A relief, because there is nothing in the way of just being. I am a nobody, a nothing. Just a peaceful power. I just am.

Hatred in itself is not power. It is based on a lack of power. But it turns into power when it is consciously experienced and seen. Into a peacefulness that isn't based on annihilation but on a complete embracing of ones own experience.

Photo by Julian Böck on Unsplash

Aaro Löf